We made it, pals. One month in lockdown. One month of columns. One month of life as we know it changing before our very eyes. A massive well done to all of us, a pat on the back for those who have managed to find a way to keep pushing through. Thank you to the frontline staff, the key workers, who just 7 weeks ago were seen as low skilled and going nowhere in life, but are now keeping this country operating the best that it can. We love to see it. We already knew how important you were, and it’s nice that those who didn’t are finally seeing it. And finally, a big collective group sigh to all the Karens out there who think they are immune to the social distancing rules and who think it’s perfectly acceptable to shout at staff because their supermarket is out of soap.
It’s been a strange week this week. Do you ever find that weeks just seem to theme themselves naturally? I don’t know if that makes any sense, but hardly anything I say or do makes any sense, so you should be used to this after a month. I have found myself really reviewing my connections this week. It’s been very bittersweet, but everything that has happened over the last seven days seems to have been focused on relationship connections.
I made the grand return to Tinder in hopes of finding the one I am going to marry. Yes, I am still craving that intimacy. I’ve even got to the stage of imagining what our living room will look like with it’s mustard yellow wall and navy blue sofa on the solid wooden floors. I made a brief appearance on Grindr, before running away and burning my phone when somebody asked me if I wanted to break lockdown for an orgy. I wouldn’t even have an orgy, let alone risk my life for one. No thanks, Steve, I’ll keep social distancing and taking advantage of the free PornHub Premium. When it comes to love, I like to think that I have nailed it down – reader I do not have it nailed down, but it’s the thought that counts. I like to stick to the person I’m dating needing five keys to unlock the gates to my life. My five non-negotiable deal breakers are just that – not negotiable. They must have a good sense of humour, for starters. He must be driven when it comes to his life, I find ambition very attractive. My future husband will also be committed. None of this ‘I’m dating other people so you must try and impress me’ nonsense. He will have a good fashion sense, I’m talking vintage shirts I can wear openly on our holidays and oversized hoodies I can steal in the winter. Finally, the man I am going to spend forever with will be understanding. He will be caring and patient. Then there are the negotiables, the things I would prefer but aren’t necessary. I’d like somebody a little bit older. I’d like him to have tattoos and I’d like him to rub my tummy when I’m tired. I know, my standards are strange. I understand how people will tell me to just go with the flow. But if I’m going to spend my life with somebody, I’m going to make sure that I am spending my days with the right somebody, you know?
Let’s just say I have had absolutely no success thus far, and that I should probably reevaluate my approach.
Whilst on the topic of exes, what is it with lockdown bringing them out of the shadows? Can we all just agree to cancel them, once and for all? I used to think that being in your exes life was a positive thing, and I suppose to some it can be. But for me, the last week has seen two of my exes creep our of the woodworks to declare their love for me. And whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I do not appreciate them both being romantically tied elsewhere whilst declaring I am the one that got away. It was a lovely stroke of the old ego, but on the other hand it was also a bit of a knife to the back. Stay where you were. Stay six feet apart from me, I do not want to catch your drama, thank you very much. I finally took the brave step to do something I hardly ever do – and that’s to be selfish. I cut them both off. I wish them both well, and I hope they both find happiness in their lives, which evidently they aren’t doing if they are continuing miserably in their relationships whilst declaring their love for me. Lockdown thirst is real, and it’s a threat to our livelihoods, pals.
I miss the world and I miss being able to squish my nieces. I miss visiting Laura in work to deliver her a vegan sausage roll and I miss my Thursday coffees with Rach. But I’m really enjoying the strengthened connections we have made in the time since we have been apart. It’s been a great time to check in with friends and somehow we just make it work. Me and Laura now watch Ghost Adventures and are currently planning a ghost hunt of our own (filmed for YouTube, of course). Me and my favourite internet human, Dylan, have really relied on each other during this time. Although we’ve never met in the flesh (thanks to coronavirus ruining our plans to get drunk on Canal Street), we have managed to find a way to become closer than ever. Ruby is now allowed to text me from her iPad, so we catch up every day, and by we catch up every day, I mean she sends me 47 emojis to tell me how she’s feeling and I spend half an hour trying to decode them. I am officially old.
And so finally, as we bid farewell for another week, I give to you the gift of new music. Rina Sawayama, She blew up slightly last year with the absolute bop that was Cherry, but this week she dropped a new album. I highly, highly recommend having a little listen. It’s an easy listen. But also a thought invoking listen. My favourite track so far is Bad Friend. Because it reminds me of that terrible friend I had that one time.
Until next week, my dears.
Don’t, whatever you do, entertain your exes. Please.
But do, whatever you do, chuck us a follow on Twitter.