The last column of April is upon us, and I cannot believe how quickly this year is going. I mean, the last 6 weeks have definitely felt like a decade, but at the same time, a really quick decade you know? I am going to refrain from making the inevitable Justin Timberlake It’s Gonna Be May joke, even though I’ve already cracked it on Twitter and in every group chat across the land.
Speaking of group chats, I am a huge fan of group chats. Somebody please add me to their group chat. Although, when I went viral at Christmas with that thread we no longer speak of I was part of a group chat with about 100 gays. There were plans for a meet up, it was great, and then the thread happened and I was called out for being the most awful human being. I explained myself, and I apologised and owned up to my mistakes with my new friends and yet, it fell on deaf ears as the majority, including the leader, ignored my words and continued to talk about me as though I wasn’t there. I was removed shortly after, and yes I am still completely bitter about the fact that everyone seems to be loving this group still whilst I was ostracised and alienated. So please add me to your group chats, but only if they’re nice fun ones where we share Carol Baskin memes.
This week I have spent many hours on the Sims, building my dream apartment and creating my dream man. In theory, if I create it virtually then a 6ft 4 tattoo’d bearded and thicc thighed man beast will just appear in my life. It’s the whole universe is listening idea, right? Only this time, I am helping the universe deliver me the perfect man by selecting his beard and his personality traits so that the universe doesn’t deliver me the mistake that was Januarys boy disaster.
The universe hasn’t been the only thing delivering the goods this week, as every gay intern across the world has been gifting us and we truly do not deserve them. Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty on Amazon Prime have been the staple evening watch across the country. I remember growing up and really lusting after Carlos – which probably sums up that my taste in men is the controlling type who will pay my bills. But then on my sixth watch last year I became a true Mike stan. Mike Delfino and his big plumber hands. Urgh. I dream. That was until this time round when I am not ashamed to admit I think my soulmate in life is Tom. Tom the dorky dad who works hard and has that smile. My knees are week just thinking of him. And just when he couldn’t be any more perfect, he enters the pizza market. My. Heart. I think that’s it on the men of Wysteria Lane, because we are going to completely skip over the fact that there is something Paul Young that just makes one tremble. As a housewife, I’d like to think I’d be Susan, though 5 columns in and I think I’m selling myself as a firm Edie.
The interns in the music world were not to be outdone this week, with the announcement of Say So getting a Nicki Minaj remix. I squealed. I am ready. But they didn’t stop there, did they? Oh no, Beyoncè dropping a remix of Savage. I never thought I’d hear Beyoncè sing about OnlyFans, but if there is one thing 2020 is teaching us, it’s to expect the unexpected. I will however, hold out hope for a Megan Thee Stallion Ft. Carol Baskin collab. I also saw rumours swirling the Twittersphere that Gaga ft. Grande was dropping on Friday, can someone please confirm this for me? I am excited for it, but not as excited as I am for the BLACKPINK feature. I just adore BLACKPINK.
We cannot close out this week without spending a solid minute discussing Chanel. Whether you love her or hate the fact that an African Grey parrot named Chanel Chanellington escaped her confides of the back garden to seek freedom down at the canal, I think we can all agree that for a solid 48 hours we forgot about the world we were living in and focused on Chanel and her world. The memes, the remixes, the videos, the gifs, although they consumed us eventually, it was the laugh we needed. Thank you for your service, Chanel. I think we should start a campaign to get her on the Honours List next year.
I struggled with my music suggestion of the week, as I peaked early and gave you the love of my life, aka Banks, in week one. I have also spent my week listening to Will Young classics. But then I remembered that Kevin Garrett exists. He is an insane artist, who writes and produces his own tracks. It’s the type of music you listen to with your salt lamp on and the curtains drawn sipping on a glass of wine, you know? Listen to Control, Little bit of You and Colouring and then move on to his entire discography. Did I mention he co-wrote some of Beyoncè’s iconic Lemonade? There is a clip of him on YouTube singing Pray You Catch Me.
Congratulations to the guys at BadWearDay, too, who this week dropped a range with the one and only Vinegar Strokes of Drag Race UK fame. The collection is beautiful, and I am not just saying that because my name made it to the To Do list range. Yes, boys, you can finally cross me off your to do list.
Until next week, my dears.