This week I’ve been having the same recurring nightmare. And I always wake up really scared and have to turn the lights on and lie there for half an hour. In my dream, I am walking through my road late at night. The streetlights are off and I’m using a torch to find my way home. I hear movement behind me and when I turn to look, there is nothing, Then, out of nowhere, a wolf appears. It’s really soft and approachable at first but then it suddenly starts growling and chasing me. Its teeth tearing at my pants and before I know it, I have woken up in a panic.
Ever the curious mind, I sit awake and Google the meaning and try to analyse why a wolf is chasing me through the streets of Cheshire. So far my findings have told me that I am running from something that I cannot avoid, or that a person / problem in my life is disturbing me. The rather unsettling one is that the wolf showing its teeth is someone in my life threatening me to back down. Yes, I have overanalysed this to within an inch of its existence, but what else is a boy in lockdown to do? I have then spent my days allowing my mind to wander to who the wolf in my life might be. My friendship circle is strong and tight. My home life is pleasant. As far as I know, I haven’t put myself in any situations that I shouldn’t be in of late. My dating life is sturdy, although I suppose that it could be the boy 180 minutes away, that situation blew up into a disaster a while ago. I have no idea. If any of you have any idea, please do get in touch. Masked singer, reveal yourself.
I have spent a lot of my week slowly getting back to whatever it was that I considered normal before all of this. I had a social distancing visit from two of my best friends. We sat outside a park and spent an hour catching up and laughing like the old times. I haven’t seen them since the day before we entered lockdown, where we had gin, pizza and laughed until the early hours. I have started the dreaded post-lockdown diet. It’s like Christmas, where I let myself go and have been known to eat a full yule log by myself in one sitting. But now it’s January and I’m determined to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I have been walking with my neighbour and I spend every day on the exercise bike. It’s awful. I hate it. I don’t mind drinking smoothies for breakfast and making a family size bag of Buttons last more than one night, but sitting on that exercise bike until my arse goes numb and my legs feel like jelly just isn’t it. I have, however, found ways to keep it exciting by watching a classic episode of Eastenders whilst peddling for my life.
I feel like we all came into lockdown a little flustered. Our lives hit pause and we had to embrace the change forced upon us. But now we are slowly coming through the other side, I am met with that same dread. I’m not sure how to exist in the real world again. I am not sure how I will deal with the change of coming back to what was, but in a completely new way. If you have followed me for a while, you’ll know that I was getting ready to move to London to start my dream job. This has all unfortunately fallen through now, so it’s back to square one of trying to find a new dream job in a new dream city. It also feels like a completely alien concept to go shopping, or to sit in a Wagas and catch up with the girls. Will I find a new boy to throw up on after a lovely home cooked meal? Will I ever run in to an ex with his wife and children? Will I ever know what it’s like to have somebody else cut my hair? Boris recently announced that people living alone can now mix with another household, so my question to you, dear reader, is when are you inviting me for a sleepover? Who is going to be my first adult sleepover in three months? I promise not to throw up on you if you cook for me.
Last week, I spoke about how I have never truly understood the privilege and immunity that comes from being a white male until recent events had left me with no choice but to face it head on, and so this week I have been taking some time to educate myself on the things I can do to be a better ally. It’s been so refreshing to see social media used as a call for a change. I’ve had some incredible conversations on what I can do to educate and understand better. This isn’t something that goes away when the hashtags stop trending. Racism, transphobia, hating people for something they can’t change. It all happens every single day in every single corner of society. It takes place right in front of us and around us and we, as a society, need to open our eyes and not be afraid to challenge it. Even if it’s one of our own circle. Especially if it is coming from our own circle.
I have rediscovered my love for Pink, this week. So although she is already a firm favourite for many across the world, she is my suggestion to you. Two years ago, when my mum was battling breast cancer, I promised that when she was better I’d take her to see Pink. So last year, we headed down to Wembley and stood on the pitch and danced our little hearts out. It’ll forever be one of my favourite memories.
Until next week,